I was supportive of my partner choosing to do Dancing Eros, and I felt uneasy about it. When I was invited to the graduation night I made a commitment to be there. When I learnt what was planned for that night I felt very disturbed.
Dancing Eros is a series of workshops that support women to be more connected with their bodies, more confident in themselves and more expressive of their erotic nature. It is based on four archetypes that the women explore through dance: Maiden, Wild Woman, Slut and Priestess.
After five weekly workshops each woman invites her partner (or a guest) to be a witness at the final ritual. The guests/partners would sit in a circle facing outward. And then the women dancers enter the room and circle around them, so each woman is randomly paired with a man. They start dancing erotically in front of him while he watches intently. After a minute or so they all then rotate one space anti-clockwise, gradually circling around all the witnesses, while expressing themselves sexuality through the four archetypes.
Some people will feel right away how this disrespects relationships – by treating one’s partner as an anonymous nobody, and dancing erotically for a series of strangers. I believe ritual is a super-powerful language. And this ritual says: “you are insignificant to me and our devotion is insignificant.” Ouch.
In the week leading up to the ritual I tried very hard to convince the facilitator and the originator of Dancing Eros to evolve the ritual to make it compassionate. I am the one who has sat with my partner during her difficulties. And this relationship holds her long after Dancing Eros has ended.
The organisers didn’t like my objections/perspective and after a couple of days they decided to shut me out of the ritual altogether. I spent the week leading up to the ritual riddled with adrenalin. I could hardly sleep, and ate very little – both unusual for patterns for me. It was a traumatic time, as I waited for something that was jarring with my soul.
I have experienced situations before where powerful women were unkind to me. So the treatment I received also resonated with past wounds. But this time I didn’t just want to submit out of the guilt of being a male. Men should not abuse women, and women should not abuse men. Simple.
On the morning of the ritual the facilitator phoned me (I am appreciative of this, thank-you). She said she wanted it to be a safe space for the women. She heard the essence of my need to be there and the devotion that was driving me. I agreed to be honouring in the space and I was given a reprieve. I cried in gratitude. I had just begged my way back into the picture. A picture that had not changed. Yet for the sake of our relationship surviving through Dancing Eros I was very glad to be able to witness my partner.
While we waited nervously outside the venue I pressed a finger I’d cut at work onto my notes, swearing in blood to be a ‘Respectful Witness’. It was a serious undertaking and during the ritual I held firm focus as a witness. I was only distracted twice for a second or two during the 90 minutes. I saw each woman very deeply.
It happened four months ago, and last Friday night I was crying in the pain of having my beloved being torn away as she gradually moved around the circle. She was also anonymous in the train of erotic dancers. Entertaining other men. Men who don’t share our depth of devotion. Dancing erotically in front of each stranger, while I could only silently watch the next woman appearing before me.
As a man in that space I felt castrated. I was dishonoured. Unable to express devotion for my beloved. It was painful, it was destructive, and it needn’t be that way.
Things escalated as it went on. It had an air of intoxication. There were beautiful aspects present, especially during Priestess, the final archetype. She was phenonemal.
I was silent during the sharing afterwards – I still felt meek after only just being allowed into the space. The sharing struck me as superficial. Once it was over my partner and one of the facilitators heard my truth. I feel the Feminine is also an internalised energy. Why did the workshop push the women to be so outward? What about the embodied guardian of her womb?*
Innocence was trampled that night. My heart still feels this loss from time to time. I feel I was abused. Why is something with so many positives aspects delivered in a way that generates trauma?
The morning after, as I emerged from sleep I was struck by the sharp sense of having a shrunken heart. My heart, that generally shines like the sun toward my partner, now cowered in my chest, frightened like an abused animal. Dancing Eros sunk a wedge between us.
For future events my wish is that Dancing Eros honours relationships. Honours devotion and love, modesty and innocence. Even honour the value of shame. Shame is a voice from the conscience that waits for us to acknowledge what is precious.
In men’s work I have always honoured my partner. I have respected her and held boundaries for her. Mens work is a lot about being present, loving and loyal as a partner, a father, a comrade and a friend.
Dancing Eros carries a deep value for women.
Please honour wholeness.
Honour the Partners.
*At the workshops each archetype is danced as a demonstration for the participants before they have a chance to explore it individually.
Wonderfeel 
I agree with you. It is good that you had the courage to speak out about it. MIxing up the intimacy of a relationship with/in a group situation seems incompatible to me, and especially for you, at this particular time. There will always be particular times when this is inappropriate. As a woman, I don’t think I would like it much if the gender roles were reversed. However, even if it seems to have been a distasteful experience, it will add to the richness of understanding and connection.
thanks Merran, yes the intimacy feels sacred, I care deeply about it, but felt the encounter showed a lack of care for what I treasure. And yes there is richness and growth in this too. Thanyou for reading, replying and caring.
I don’t by any means want to hurt you or your partner in this comment. Please understand I am asking,( speaking) out of respect. I would hope, and I always have, that the honesty between lovers is ultimate but have found that sometimes this is not the way. Sometimes one of us needs to move on and we don’t know how to express it with out having to face the hurt caused by it. Could this be the case here? It also could “smack” of mind manipulation. I am sorry you are hurt. We are such a complicated lot, especially those of us that chose a spiritual path, with all the conflicting information we get. I say follow heart, follow truth, follow love.
Thankyou aj.
I can see what you mean, it’s a crossroad. A place where the woman gains enough ‘escape velocity’ to leave a relationship that isn’t generally working for her. I suppose part of the power of Dancing Eros is women becoming more self-determining. And ending relationships is anyone’s right.
Suppose it can also instil patterns that create distance and distrust in relationships, so could have a negative effect on a good one too.
We’ve journeyed a lot in the last four months since the ritual, and I feel I’d like there to be more journeying ahead. Touch wood!
When you say possible ‘mind manipulation’ there is someting Dancing Eros has in common with other spiritual systems that partly disempower us; encouraging particpants to try to transcend ‘negative’ parts of themselves…. There are beautiful aspects to the Feminine; internalisation, gentleness, modesty, compassion, mystery that could be welcomed in the work. But they seem to be rejecting these qualities as being disempowering or leaving women vulnerable to abuse by partners. I reckon wholeness is really the only sustainable way.
I made a cool little video in response to a new age teacher who told us to release our guilt and our shame, it’s called ‘Prayer for Self-Love with Flashing Lights’ ~ it’s about loving EVERY part of ourselves…
Yes to following Heart! Truth! Love!
Thankyou for your candid sharing.
Peet
Hey, it’s not up to you to decide what qualities women celebrate in empowerment: that’s a total contradiction in terms! Women will decide our OWN wholeness
Fair call!
Thank you for writing this. I am grateful for the offering of how you felt being witness of a ritual I have yet to experience, nor participate in. Although, I have shared perhaps a similar sacred ceremony with the beautiful soul that created the work.
Witness is a power-filled place we can offer each other, in many ways, contrived and spontaneous. For me the Sacred Witness is that which can accept all things as sacred, transcending the personal for the sacred collective, when we explore the realms of being human, all the sacred and scared and scarred human we can be, without the roles of partner, woman, man, this is perhaps the purpose of Ritual.
The quality of our gaze is all that can be owned, spoken to, how another is perceiving is almost impossible to define.
Perspective, tis all we have really… “The ritual was too much about externalising the feminine. It lacked the demure woman, the embodied guardian of her own womb.” … For me, this is the point of the work. To externalize the feminine experience, for many women are well conditioned to be demure in our culture.
“Shame is a voice from the conscience that waits for us to acknowledge what is precious.”… perhaps… or it is what many women have been forced to feel about the most natural force of nature we humans possess; our sexuality, our rhythmic hips, our sweet and salty heat, our gift to ourselves and any we choose to share this with.
I very much enjoyed your film on youtube. I get the feeling that you are an amazing man that does amazing men’s work. I am a woman that does women’s work. Dancing Eros is for women, seems to me to be about women, learning how to wear their own woman out loud. Like ANY work, this is not for everyone. It is for those that feel compelled to enter the circle. How men respond or react will always be their choice.
I hope you find your wholeness in this for you.
Thanks Gently Gently,
There’s wisdom for me in your voice. I wasn’t able to transcend the personal, and not sure if that is ideal, I don’t know.
I am yet to fathom the shame you speak about. There is shame around being a male, I know that. I am unsure about the way shame is made an enemy. I feel it can teach us what is precious. I know there’s shame that when we feel into it evaporates and shame that teaches us to be more honouring of something. Still a lot of questions in this for me.
There is a real place here, one that is worthy of great exploration, How do women be all their glowing, power-filled sexy good selves without men feeling less power-filled in their presence… This is a conversation that many are having, hopefully, for me, it lives in the core of our equality, our equal worth, our validness to be ALL that we choose to be, regardless of what anyone else thinks, feels or projects upon us. I am open and hoping to add value to this conversation, grateful that you are too.
You are bringing good mojo to the World!
I also request a space where men shine boldly as authentic damaged powerful intense unsure devoted wise sorcerers! And wish for harmony between our freely expressed selves!
hey Peet…I hear ya. I wonder if you had both undertaken the workshops together whether the final ceremony would’ve been different.
I had the pleasure of working with Kerry and Diane Riley many years ago, in a week long exploration called The Opening. There were singles and committed couples there, who had all journeyed together, except for the specific workshops where we were separated by gender. Couples were encouraged to work together in learning the Tantric skills and those who were there as singles or without their beloved, were encouraged to choose different partners for different rituals. All clothes on mind you and very respectful. What transpired was a greater Universal Love and acceptance and understanding of the male and female archetypes. I believe this kind of Tantric work, Dancing Eros and other methods, in isolation from full Tantric practice, can be problematic.
I hope your partner gained what she needed from the experience and that in time it enhances your relationship.
That sounds cool, it would have felt confronting for me on some levels I imagine, but I reckon would have felt respectful overall.
Thanks for the good wish.
As a woman who attended a Dancing Eros workshop & ritual myself, I am sorry to hear that as a Man attending, you had this experience. As someone well embarked on the journey to spiritual liberation and healing, I personally have found Dancing Eros to be one of, if not the best workshops that I’ve ever been to. DE facilitated a deep healing of my masculine/ feminine relationship within myself as a whole which improved my relationship to myself and my partner. My partner also gained a deep and positive insight into himself and his relationship to women, other men and his boundaries at the ritual. He was able to loosen the possessiveness that so often creeps in and clips my wings even energetically. He learnt to appreciate me and not own me. I felt more free as a result, realising that we choose to be in an exclusive partnership even though there are other people in the world we may be attracted to gave us both more appreciation for one another. I personally feel it’s good that you have discovered this awareness of your own boundaries around your relationship by coming into the ritual, but also hear that perhaps you brought a pre convinced and negative opinion to the sacredness and purpose of the work. In being witnessed, not only our partners, but also by others, (male and female witnesses are welcome) it reinforces the massive shifts that the women have gone through each week within themselves and enables us to step into that often new place of empowerment around each of these energies.
It is very much a journey of self discovery and reclaiming our power as a more whole and integrated woman, and being witnessed assists that integration by allowing us to be seen in all that we are. I feel that if you already felt uneasy about attending the ritual, knowing what you’re sitting with, perhaps you should have honoured that. Some women choose not to dance in the ritual from the same awareness of self care and boundaries. In saying that, the ritual has been a really beautiful and sacred journey for many women and men and thier relationships. I wish you well with all it may have brought up for you.
Respect for your words and for your journey!
I will test myself with the term ‘possessive’.
I have gone into what hurt me, and that sense that my partner and I shared an innocent gentle connection, and this ritual seemed to callously damage that connection is what hurts.
The dancing Eros course that I attended was one of the most incredible experiences for my partner and I. It has enabled the most beautiful honesty between us and torn down many of the walls that acted like a veil of in authenticity and control. I think it is important to acknowledge that each experience is different and not to paint an entire scene with the same brush. It is the most loving and honest collective I have ever been apart of and I am sad for you that you have chosen to experience it this way. I hope that you find peace and take responsibility for owning your own feelings.
I am glad it was great for you Bonnita. And yes, there are many people who feel many different things.
I feel a pain about the clash between my upsettedness and others joy. My wish is that compassion prevails. My intention was to voice what I felt was injustice/disrespect. I also would like it if others are treated well in the future.
Did I choose to suffer in this? Can I just choose not to feel something hurtful? Is that real?
I feel writing this is owning my feelings, but I am also saying an outside situation was hurtful.
I feel compelled to share my experience as a woman who has attended Dancing Eros and participated in the ritual you speak about in your post. I feel this way because for me, Dancing Eros has been such an incredibly transformational process to go on, and then to be able to share it with my partner by having him witness me and other women also in their feminine power, has made our relationship so much stronger. As a woman, exploring the four archetypes and then integrating them into my life has been immensely powerful. It has given me the tools to process my emotions more effectively (both light and dark), connect with myself on a much deeper level and listen to my own innate intuition. The power of the ritual for me was to be able to share this process with my partner and have him fully understand and hold me in the work that I am doing. Because he has been able to witness me – and other dancers – in the four archetypes, he knows them now and appreciates their many flavours, and thus understands so much more how they contribute to my overall experience of life, and therefore my experience of our relationship.
I feel like my process with Dancing Eros, and having him witness me and other women has truly helped to open us and take our relationship a step closer. Me honouring myself more truly, and as a result being able to honour him more fully. Him understanding me more thoroughly and as a result being able to see me more clearly.
I could say so much more because I feel so passionately about this work, but I will keep this short. I truly hope you find what you are looking for.
Wow Nicole, that is a glowing experience!
Wish it rocked like that for me, I really love that it has served so many so deeply.
So basically, you have control issues, got really triggered for others to witness your partner in her sexuality and are responding by slut-shaming and by disrespecting the women involved?
“Sushi train?” Really classy.
I apologise for that comment. I removed it this morning.
I wanted to stay in my heart with this. I feel okay to express my personaly feelings.
My head has perspectives also. I question wether wholeness is honoured.
But that was unpleasant, sorry.
Hey Peet, Arion Here, I respect you deeply yet here I must say I am deeply saddened by your sharing
I too have witnessed this ritual and deeply honour this sharing that women offer in sacred space. I personally question wether you sharing this is a disrespect of the sacred space they share in. By sharing the details of what goes on I feel for the women who have shared them selves in this way. Did you really believe it honoured them to publicly share their experience? For me this is a sacred space to be honoured in that space and only there. Your detailed sharing of their experience with your opinion of what they were sharing saddens me. Many of these women are potentially doing the most vulnerable thing they have ever done in their lives. This space is a truly sacred one that I believe deserves the deepest of respect, not public blogs from a triggered man. To all the woman who have had their experience publicly named in this blog I am sorry. For me this does not respect he sacred and safe space that this event was created in. I totally get that each relationship has to find their way with this sort of group ritual and that it might not suit all. I also hear your point about relationships and men being honoured, but to do it in this public way, speaking your opinion of others sharing the very core of their being, lands for me as deeply disrespectful of the women I know you honour. I hope my words reach your heart. Love
I feel you Arion. Your comment has impacted on me.
I wanted to reconcile with the organisers but they didn’t want to.
I don’t think I have shared details. I wouldn’t describe any person or any actual occurance in the Circle. I have explained the general mechanism of the ritual. Another person has told me also this is a violation against the women involved. I feel bad for this. It is not a common perspective out of the many I have received on Facebook particularly, but I take it seriously.
I am not sure what else I could have done. Doors kept closing. I felt I was abused by a systemic process. And that it will continue unabated unless others speak out.
I don’t really value the word ‘triggered’, isn’t that a dismissive word?
I am sorry it saddened you.
It’s circle man. What happens in circle stays in circle. Share there or don’t share at all. Or take it to another circle where you can do work on it.
Hey Alex, the atmosphere there wasn’t one I could climb through to express my voice. So many of my values were negated in that space, and in the lead up. I thought I could resolve something with the organisers but they weren’t having it. It kept burning in me. Triggering my adrenal glands, had to voice this somehow…
Writer, I can feel your staggering pain and hurt in this piece. It’s a drain we have all felt at stages.
But are you truly honouring your partner/ex partner by posting this here in cyber world,
for the public?
I wonder how she is feeling, having been through the sacred ritual and entrusting you with such a personal journey, a journey that I know nothing of, really.
But you needn’t tell me that here. It’s private. Between you and her, right? Not so now.
You’ve invited everyone in for one last peep show. One more time, as it turns over and over in your mind.
So for me personally, this piece of writing is not men’s work. Real men’s work happens in the collective circle and its primarily confidential. Confidential for very important reasons. Safety and care for the participants being one of them.
You were invited into a private women’s space. Whether this was a comfortable or not so comfortable experience for you doesn’t concern me. Whether it was a well run course or not also does not concern me.
What concerns me is that now, you choose to expose your woman, all the women, in this public artificial space, because you couldn’t bear to be a witness.
There’s nothing innocent about what you’ve written. In your attempt to criticse Dancing Eros, all you have achieved is make the women more vulnerable. This will surely be a wake up call for the organisers of DE to enusre this abuse of confidentiality never happens again.
You leave me thinking, who is really taking the beauty and the inncence away in this situation? A small group of women in a dancing circle, or a resentful witness carrying a deadly pen?
That is a strong accusation Nicole. I feel this sense of betraying something as a major concern. And my sense of love being betrayed in the ritual is real, but not a justification for further betrayal. My sense of being betrayed by the organisers is real but not justification either.
The fallout from memebers of the Dancing Eros community holding judgement against me, and possibly her, is probably the unpleasant factor for my partner. She knows how wounded I was by this. And I shared this with her before posting it.
The only thing I can say is this is a damaging ritual. I have learnt about and held space for rituals for a long time now. There is the immediate experience of us being there, and there is a larger resonance, a voice that the ritual speaks….
This ritual says devotion is insignificant. Do they handle this intention responsibly or is it unaddressed? Is it important for partners to know this is a ritual of disconnection or do they just stay in the dark and deal with it as best they can?
I would not decribe anything I felt was personal. That would not be cool. I definitely respect that individuals have had individual experience in this. That is their personal business.
I wish I could have resolved this in the collective circle. Doors were closed to shut me out.
My wish is that the ritual evolves from of its current form. I would love respect and care to be embedded in all healing work.
Summarisation of the above: The writer has breached confidentiality on basis on stating his personal opinion on certain known happenings in a workshop. He has thus ruined it for others who may have gained from this work.
This is untrue, such explaining of an opinion is just that: an opinion. He has not named anyone present, nor said anything that is secret.
By attempting to stifle free speech and expression i this we you are chipping away at the very vanguards and values of our society that allow D.E to exist.
The end.
Hmmmmm. It is a powerful ritual. When I speak I do my best to make sure the words are kind, true and most importantly necessary.
I have had the good fortune and flow to be involved in 3 rituals. I am married and partnered for 12 years. Although your voice is true for you, it does not resonate with me at all. Honestly, it holds so much “work” for you to take to men’s circle that I am glad you wrote it for your sake. To reflect upon in the coming years.
I write this for women reading this. THIS IS YOUR RITUAL. WE DO NOT OWN YOU. YOU ARE FREE. SHAME IS TO BE IRRADICATED. INTUITION TELLS US WHAT IS PRECIOUS AND SACRED. SHAME HOLDS NO POSITIVE PLACE IN YOUR BODY.
I will defend this ritual to the death as a powerful healing process for women AND MEN. It’s not for the weak hearted, it is for willing, strong, vulnerable men who are doing their work daily. We let go.
My suggestion, not that you are asking, is to go again, and again, and again until such a time that your hear the message between your words above. It’s so obvious that I will leave it to you to uncover.
Aho. Shadow acknowledged. Love.
Thanks Alex, I feel your passion. I feel your revelation in this work.
I AM a strong hearted man who expresses vulnerability and does work daily – yet for me it was obviously a different experience.
I couldn’t imagine how suffering the same belittlement again would be helpful. I am open to my perspective shifting on this. And yes these words are a document of the truth I carry at this point in my life. I took some judgement out a couple of days ago becasue it was hurtful. So me being more and more purely from my heart is one journey…..
Respect to you and to me as being unique individuals!
SHAME felt like it needed a separate response. I touched on an integrative approach to shame, but didn’t give it enough fleshing out….
Perhaps there’s internal shame (i feel bad for something) and external shame (their judgement is squashing me).
I was on a train one evening about 20 years back, there might have just been two of us in the carriage. A woman was seated down the back and she was waving her arms in a weird way. I looked at her quizzically. She stopped.
Pretty sure she had a classical music score on her lap and was practicing conducting. Pretty sure we both felt some shame in this. And to unpack it I will explore the idea that shame holds a realisation about what is precious….
I felt ashamed that I had shut her down. My scrunity had cancelled her freeness.
I honour this shame. I still even feel that sense of badness about inpeding somebody else.
So I tune into this feeling, and ask myself “WHAT IS PRECIOUS?”
Individuality. Freedom. Being Carefree. Expressiveness. Giving others Space.
I could imagine what was precious for her…
Being Carefree. Her Artistry. Feeling Approval. Social Appropriateness.
Most people would like most of these values, but would not like Approval or Appropriateness. Suppose I could defend these by saying they exist thoughout the animal kingdom. They are part of wholeness. Inhibition does create order and ease in our society. And yes it is generally balanced with the more outward stuff.
I might have detoured, but take-home:
Shame is part of natural wholeness.
Shame is part of our empowerment.
(Happy to discuss different perspectives, and likely to write a blog just on shame, once my brain’s had a wee rest!)
Peace.
Peace.
I am sure you’ll distil all of this. But until I am enlightened otherwise, I see no place for shame in my life or the life of those I love. It will be part of any person’s journey, at some point I simply said ENOUGH… and went about removing it from my life. It is a guide… I see that and I like your perspective on this, however it just simply has no place within the ritual of Dancing Eros.
Shame will not reside in the life of my daughter. I would prefer to guilt her before shaming her.
Your post and others will be part of me guiding others when introducing Dancing Eros to them.
Good luck on the path. Aho.
I suggest you do some personal work and take a big look at yourself. If something – you should be grateful that this experience has brought some stuff on the surface like a mirror for you (and the world to reflect back at you) to look at. Dancing Eros is a consensual circle, nobody is forced – nor the witnesses nor the dancers. If something – it feels like your comments are quite disrespectful towards the organisers, the dancers and the witnesses. I am not sure what’s your (ego’s) agenda but I suggest you work on yourself before putting negative promotion on a circle that is very important to many. The title of your post is DE “needs” to honour – to start with, you aren’t the creator of it. So who are you to try to say what a circle needs to do? Seems like you have control, jealousy and manipulation issues. Which I can understand, however you have a tone of blame, and in all this you can’t blame anyone but yourself for your own path, that you have chosen. You chose to attend (by begging and crying) so maybe you should be held responsible for the consequences and not try to blame the event , organisers, which also in doing so, you also passively throwing some shame in the soup. I suggest you take a big look at yourself.
Hello Peet. I have to smile wryly at a commenter that lambasts your ‘ego’s agenda’ then tells you what you should do. I welcome your post and praise your bravery in sharing something that has obviously deeply troubled you, and I acknowledge your positive and good-hearted intentions in sharing this. I can’t say I always live up to my aspiration, but I always try to see if there is validity and resonance in any critical feedback directed my way. I would suggest that any person or group committed to integrity and growth would welcome such deeply considered feedback. But we’re all a bit weird I guess. I praise your commitment to vulnerability and hope you are feeling ok with all these opinions flying around 🙂
Thank-you Andrew. I feel supported by the irony you spotted, by your welcome to be expressive and for noticing I am calling for something kinder. I also have a challenge right here to integrate negative feedback. I certainly like people who are choosing to express from heart, moreso than all the pointy-pointy bizzo! If I was holding this ritual I feel I would address the issues of disregarding partnerships. I would like all the participants to feel honoured. Thanks Mate. your supportive words mean a lot.
In the immortal words of an American icon, Rodney King: “Can’t we all just get along?”
All truths are valid but only partial. One way or another we carrying each other forward through language and interaction. Healing may happen or may not for people and this is a very hard thing measure in any modality. There’s seem be rather compative language instead of an open discussion about safety, trauma integration, accountability, support, Carthasis, money in the healing arts and ethical implications. Did you know from a nueroscience perspective once money has been exchanged it’s actually re traumatising on the physiology because you should not have pay for love and the body knows it, attachment needs not meet again there’s lots of research on this . Would a developmental history evaluation be useful to avoid permanate fracture of the pyche which does not always manefest at the time and may come years later, through repressed memories and possible suicide, this is serious bussiness poking around without safety . Adrenal response stores in the body for years and may come back hard and fast later in life. These are important questions in the healing arts. There are so many people wanting to patent the human experience and sell it, that without some open transparency about its effectiveness it’s runs the risk of hurting people. It’s ok to say that something did not feel right. feedback is crucial especially in womans work where 1-3 have experienced sexual violence. Blessings
Yikes Nancy, This all sounds so intense! Is this the soup I’m swimming in??!
I do feel that being whole in work is a serious responsibility, and shutting out difficult factors is probably not responsible. I can be a difficult factor and I have a lot of love I want to (continue to) bring to the world! When someone says you can escape your bad feelings, whether this is escaping from disempowerment, shame, inhibition etc. I am super-suspicious. All these things need integration imo. When teachers teach transcendence as the solution I reckon they are telling followers to separate from integral parts of themselves. This can give a high in the short term…..
TQ: My experience leaning more toward the negative and others’ experiences leaning more toward the positive is not grounds for devalidation.
I do have an ego investment in hosting nurturing rituals myself, so this would have fuelled my upsetedness. I belive its important to be caring. Basically my feelings were continiually hurt by some people who thought they held the superior paradigm. And my relationship was put in danger by this apparent rigidity. These things were very painful, as you may have felt in my writing.
Beleive me I am into looking at myself. I have remained open and responsive to a stack of comments. Losing even more connection with my partner by being shut out of the space was a worse form of abuse than just having our realtionship denigrated while in the space.
I appreciate you value Dancing Eros. That’s freaking understandable. There’s a LOT to love! I don’t know if my feelings or my opinions, or both have upset you? I would be interested if people who are jusdging me would do so from their hearts too. That is something I definitely value. I feel judged, and I feel my feelings are being continually dismissed by hardc ore advocates. I beleive women may have assumed some sense of superiority to men. I question this.
We are both vulneranble. We both need care. We both need respect. Thank-you TQ.
Being honest with you, after reading your piece two key thoughts come to my mind:
1: You don’t seem willing to own your issues. You seem to be wanting to blame DE for causing these issues for you. Truth is that these issues existed for you long before DE. DE may have brought them to the surface, but they didn’t create them. You need own your own stuff.
2: You sound as though you’re very controlling and possessive of your partner. Lots of jealousies and insecurities, and fear at your partner coming into her power.
Sounds to me like you’ve got a bit of work to do. Important first step is to identify that these are your issues not Dancin Eros’.
Best of luck in facing your demons.
Hey Michael, the self-righteous tone really doesn’t work for me. I assume you’ve got some values yourself, why not open up and share them?
I have opened my heart here and am dissappointed by the clichéd way people are choosing to dismiss my experience. I suppose you’re a fan of DE, that’s fair enough.
I have explained here how the experience was painful. If your heart can’t honour me that’s a pity. It strikes me as cold to dismiss everything as just an unresolved past issue. This is a very common way for New Agers to belittle feelings. Feelings are important, you probably know this….
Your assumption I am controlling etc. is a little unimaginative too. Maybe you think having my heart hurt is something I should feel guilty about?
Hey there. Apologies if it came across as self-righteous. I also hear your point about your heart hurting.
But I’d again reiterate that these issues existed for you a long time before DE and DE did not create these issues.
I’ve been a witness at DE myself and thought it was beautiful. But I can see how it could bring issues up for people and amongst other friends who were witnesses it did bring up issues. Most of them identified and worked on those issues and they and their relationships are mostly in a good place now. Happier than where they were before.
To say that DE had driven a wedge between you and your partner is clearly not owning your issues though. DE has simply highlighted issues you need to work through either by yourself, or with your partner.
And as I don’t know you, I obviously don’t know if you are controlling or not. But being honest it certainly sounds like watching your partner step into her lower has brought up a lot of issues for you.
Again, that’s not surprising. Watching the ritual could bring up a lot of issues for many people. My key point of issues with your article is that you seem to want to blame DE for creating the issues rather than owning them yourself.
That’s just the truth of it.
Hey Michael, thanks for the reply. And thanks for being softer with your stance on whether or not I am a controlling bastard! 🙂
You are still coming down heavilly on the idea that I was just triggered from past issues. Where is this an authentic point of view, and where is this cold-hearted denial of someone else’s feelings?
I see humans (including me at times) often denegrating each others feelings. And our own feelings. In the mainstream it sounds like “Get over it”. In our ‘more advanced’ circles it sounds like “You were just triggered.” Both devalue the heart and what it feels. Not cool.
I can authentically say, after checking in with, and scrutinising my self on this a lot, that the ritual experience generated suffering within me. I can also say genuinely it damaged the relationship I cherish.
I am not sure why you have assumed the Dancing Eros ritual is perfect. I am beginning to explore the issue of it currently being driven by a rebellious agenda. A pushing back against that masculine domination/supression. This is perhaps a transitional phase until something develops that is more wholistic, balanced and sovereign.
If the DE ethos is rebellious then it would probably carry resentment. Resentment tends to be a damaging energy when you are on the recieiving end. I was born male, and feel bad about the historic denigration of the Feminine. In my life I am living an embodiment of deep heart values, something our culture has partially lost. I don’t want to tolerate suppression of my heart and my maleness as necessary for someone else’s ’empowerement’.
There’s definitely a lot to celebrate about Dancing Eros. And it could evolve….
There are many women I have come across in such circles who are about disempowering men in order to regain the “equality” and “balance” they feel has been “stolen” from them by the misogynists. I have no opinion of DE specifically but it does not surprise me that you have been left feeling this way – Never mind about your pain this is exclusively about the women…. abuse indeed. Find and be amongst those people who truly seek communion – there will be no righteousness or belittling or a few profiting from the “work”